‘Zero rent but high emotional tax,’ Is living at home with your parents hurting your mental health? Toronto expert weighs in

A social media post has sparked a discussion about significant mental health challenges faced by young adults who are still living with their parents, and a Toronto therapist says it can be a tricky situation for both the adult and parent.

In a recent Threads post, a user shared his hot take about adults living with their parents and struggling with mental health, as many Millennials can’t afford to move out amid Canada’s high living costs. 

“VERY unpopular opinion: Living with parents is free but you pay with your mental health,” the user wrote. 

In the comments, other users chimed in about the advantages and disadvantages of living with parents in their twenties and thirties, with many agreeing with the author of the post and saying that their living conditions could result in poor mental health. 

“Oof—unpopular but painfully real. Yes, rent is $0… but so is privacy, peace, and sometimes personal growth. It’s giving: ‘You live under my roof, so I control your life’—even when you’re grown. The guilt trips? The unsolicited opinions? The tension? Taxing. Freedom has a price—but so does ‘free,’” a Threads user commented.

“WHEWW say that louder with the door slightly cracked so they can hear it too—zero rent but high emotional tax, random mood swings, guilt trips, and unsolicited life advice at breakfast like it’s part of the lease,” another user also agreed.  

Now Toronto spoke with Joanna Seidel, the clinical director and founder of Toronto Family Therapy & Mediation Inc., who said that some adults who are still living with their parents could in fact face some consequences to their mental health, such as depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. 

According to her, it’s not only rocky parental relationships that result in poor mental health, adults in their twenties and thirties are also dealing with being compared with their parents at that age, when many had already bought their own house and were even forming a family. 

“They’re questioning how their lives ended up here, and they’re not giving themselves reasonable room to understand that this is the landscape of the world right now, or of the Canadian culture right now. And it’s actually not their fault,” she said.  

“A lot of people struggle with self-blame, and self-efficacy, and that’s really hard on somebody’s overall mental health and overall well-being.” 

35% OF CANADIANS STILL LIVING WITH A PARENT

In 1991, only 32.1 per cent of adults between 20 to 29 years old lived with their parents, and the percentage was even lower in 1981, when only 26.9 per cent had still not left a parental home, according to Statistics Canada. 

But in 2021 those numbers significantly changed, with 35.1 per cent of Canadians still living with at least one parent, Statistics Canada reports. The number is even higher in Ontario’s urban areas, with Toronto marking 49 per cent of young adults who still lived with parents at the time. 

While there are many reasons for choosing to live with parents, including having to receive or take care of a family member or simply wanting to stay close to family, Statistics Canada noted that the COVID-19 pandemic hit young adults hard.

The study notes that following the pandemic, young adults have experienced difficulties finding a job, pursuing higher education or networking. As a result, many now cannot afford to leave their parental homes, seeking financial or even mental health support from their parents. 

“[Young adults] need to use their income to save, to pay for food, to pay for travel, to pay for their children. They don’t have any extra income to pay for housing,” Seidel said. 

On the other hand, living with parents has its pros, according to internet users and Seidel. 

Online, some users say living with your parents is a privilege. 

“I’d kill to have my parents back and be able to live with them as long as they’d let me. Not because free, but because wisdom/guidance and I miss them. My unpopular opinion: Live with your parents as long as you can,” a Threads user said. 

“My parents are awesome. They don’t allow me to pay rent, my mum still babies me 🤧. I actually enjoy it,” another user commented.  

Seidel also said that looking at the advantages of living with your parents is also a way to cope and see the best in this situation, which might help. 

“You get the love of your family, of being together. And that’s a beautiful thing,” she said. “This is a key point that everyone needs to focus on, it is [what] we really need to focus on, if we are put in this situation.” 

PARENTS’ MENTAL HEALTH ALSO IMPACTED BY LIVING CONDITIONS 

In addition to affecting the mental health of adult children who are unable to move out, this situation could also take a hit on parents’ mental health. 

According to Seidel, parents might also feel the frustration over their kids not being able to move out, as they might be looking forward to having the privacy of their own home to themselves or even have the freedom of using their money to travel and treat themselves. 

“The parents are probably like, counting down the days [and saying], ‘I really love my child, but I can’t wait till I just don’t have to cook dinner, or I can be out at night with my friends, or I can have dinner parties and enjoy my house, or use any kind of extra income to travel,’ she said.

The therapist said that her clinic often assists families that face a series of conflicts resulting from the child not being able to move out of their parents’ home. 

She said that she works with clients to try to get them to understand that being unable to move out sometimes is unavoidable, and supporting them through the process of accepting the situation and moving forward. 

“I really help my clients work through that and build goals that are achievable and sustainable, and smaller goals, so that they’re not focused on the massive goal that maybe at this moment is unachievable, but climbing up the ladder to the smaller goals, which is much more achievable.” 

Seidel also advises other young adults going through this to seek professional help.